{"id":238,"date":"2011-06-21T17:07:16","date_gmt":"2011-06-22T03:07:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogsksbeedu.wpenginepowered.com\/anyoung\/?page_id=238"},"modified":"2021-02-11T12:04:11","modified_gmt":"2021-02-11T22:04:11","slug":"parents-2","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/blogs.ksbe.edu\/anyoung\/parents-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Parents"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Ways to show your keikii that you love them. What is your keiki\u02bbs Love Language? <\/strong>https:\/\/www.5lovelanguages.com\/quizzes\/child-quiz\/<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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A PARENT\u02bbS GUIDE TO TEXTING – https:\/\/ministrytoparents.com\/parents-guide-to-texting\/<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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5 Apps to Help You Connect With Your Kids <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\nhttps:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=fNOvzAdFyuo&list=PLFWTEd-HFvLI_6Fz7nRegSRCjo5TM0KUi&index=3\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n
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Free Online Events and Activities for Kids at Home<\/strong> – a list of virtual online activities and ideas that hopefully your keiki will enjoy!
https:\/\/www.commonsensemedia.org\/blog\/free-online-events-activities-kids-at-home-coronavirus?j=7711684&sfmc_sub=170518570&l=2048712_HTML&u=143747071&mid=6409703&jb=753&utm_source=covid19_freeactivities_20200323&utm_medium=email<\/a>
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\"\"<\/a>BOUNDARIES FOR TEENS – HOW TO SET UP THE RIGHT CONSEQUENCES THAT REALLY WORK<\/p>\n

Not long ago I (Dr. Townsend) took my kids and some of their friends to a major league baseball game for an outing. While we were watching the game, a young boy sitting behind us was making everyone miserable. He was out of control, loud, and rude.<\/p>\n

His parents did try to manage him, but their efforts were ineffective. They shushed him, praised him when he was quiet, bribed him with food, and threatened to take him out of the game. Nothing worked.<\/p>\n

Finally, one of my son\u2019s friends turned to me and said, \u201cThat guy needs some serious consequences.\u201d I made a note to myself to call his parents when I got home and congratulate them. I don\u2019t often hear that kind of thing from adolescents.<\/p>\n

If you are like many of the people I talk with, you may often have difficulty identifying and following through with appropriate consequences. Let\u2019s take a look at a five simple principles that can guide you in determining the right consequences when setting boundaries.<\/p>\n

1. Remove the Desirable, Add the Undesirable
A consequence is either removing the desirable or adding the undesirable to someone else\u2019s life as the result of a rule violation. If you have a teenager, examples might include the removal of television privileges or the addition of extra chores.<\/p>\n

In my experience, removing something other people want is usually more effective than adding something they don\u2019t want. This is true for two reasons. First, many people today have a lot of extracurricular demands (sports, music, theater, church, and so on), so they have less free time to do whatever has been added to their already busy schedule.<\/p>\n

Second, it requires more of your time and energy to supervise and monitor added responsibilities than it does to remove an activity. So, before you impose a consequence that involves adding something, make sure it is worth your personal investment.<\/p>\n

2. Don\u2019t Interfere with a Natural Consequence
Whenever possible, allow other people to face a natural consequence to an undesirable behavior or attitude. Don\u2019t intervene. For example, allow the other person to:<\/p>\n

Lose a relationship as a result of being selfish
Spend the night at the police station after being picked up for loitering late at night
Miss out on going to a movie, concert, or event as a result of having spent all their money
These types of consequences are powerful and effective. Even better, all they require from you is that you get out of the way! Of course, many situations do not have a natural consequence, and in those instances, you need to apply something of your own making.<\/p>\n

3. Make the Consequence Something That Matters
A consequence must matter to the other person. He or she must be emotionally invested in it. She needs to want and desire what she is losing; she needs to not like what she is having to add. Otherwise, the experience doesn\u2019t count for much. For instance, if you have a loner kid who loves her music, she likely won\u2019t mind being restricted to her room with her stereo. That is why you need to know your own teen\u2019s heart, interests, and desires.<\/p>\n

This might lead some people to ask: What if nothing matters? You might be a parent who has tried everything, but your teen doesn\u2019t really seem to care. Keep in mind that your teen may be engaging in a power play with you, holding out to see how far you will take this. If so, the consequences do matter to your teen, but she doesn\u2019t want you to know, either because she\u2019s so angry at you that she wants you to feel helpless. Or, she is waiting you out in hopes that you will drop the consequence. In these situations, you may need to talk with your teen about her anger and try to connect and defuse things while also keeping the limit going. In time, your teen will likely become aware that she is only hurting herself, and will begin to respond.<\/p>\n

When you do see a positive response, be sure you are warm and encouraging with your comments. When people submit to a consequence, they often feel humiliated, weak, powerless, and alone, which puts them in a very vulnerable position. They need grace and comfort. So refrain from lecturing, making jokes, or showing that you were right. Treat others as you\u2019d like to be treated in a similar situation.<\/p>\n

4. Give the Most Lenient Consequence that Works
How severe is too severe? How easy is too easy? You\u2019ll want to ensure that the consequences fit the violation appropriately. The time should fit the crime. When consequences are too strict, it can lead to alienation, discouragement, or increased rebellion. When they are too lenient, it can lead to increased disrespect and a lack of the desired change in the other person.<\/p>\n

So, give the most lenient consequence that works. Keep your mind on the goal, which is a heightened sense of responsibility, accountability, and self-awareness. If a more lenient consequence changes behavior, and the change lasts over time, then you are on the right track. If it does not, and you are providing the right amounts of love, truth, and freedom, then you may want to increase the heat of the consequence over time until you see change.<\/p>\n

5. Preserve the Good
Here\u2019s another good rule of thumb: the best consequences matter the most, but preserve good things the other person needs. Impose consequences that are a big deal, but don\u2019t remove activities that are good, such as participating in sports, taking music or art lessons, going to church, etc. These activities teach important lessons in discipline, cooperation, skill building, and coaching, and in so doing contribute to your child\u2019s development or the other person\u2019s growth.<\/p>\n

Is setting boundaries and determining consequences with your teenage son or daughter driving you crazy? Dr. John Townsend provides the expert insight you need to help your teens take responsibility for their actions, attitudes, and emotions while gaining a deeper appreciation and respect both for you and for themselves. With wisdom and empathy, Dr. Townsend, a father of two teens himself, applies biblically-based principles for the challenging task of leading your children through the teen years. With his guidance, you will be able to:<\/p>\n

Deal with disrespectful attitudes and impossible behavior in your teen.
Set healthy limits and realistic consequences.
Be loving and caring while establishing rules.
Determine specific strategies to deal with problems both big and small.
Click here to read a sample chapter and purchase today.<\/p>\n

https:\/\/www.boundariesbooks.com\/boundaries-with-teens\/set-consequences-and-boundaries\/?utm_source=Bbooks&utm_medium=email&utm_term=20200113&utm_campaign=Bbooks011320b&utm_source=hccp&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=ZN-BO%2020200113%20How%20to%20Determine%20the%20Right%20Consequences%20When%20Setting%20Boundaries%20-%20New%20Template%20(1)&utm_content=<\/a><\/p>\n

RELIGIOUS UPBRINGING AND ADULT HEALTH<\/strong><\/p>\n

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https:\/\/www.hsph.harvard.edu\/news\/press-releases\/religious-upbringing-adult-health\/<\/a><\/p>\n

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LOVE-POWERED PARENTING<\/strong><\/h1>\n

~ by Tom & Chaundel Holladay, from Love-Powered Parenting<\/em><\/a> ~One of the most important opportunities we have as parents is the opportunity to teach our children genuine mercy.<\/em><\/p>\n

This teaching begins with us. Our treatment of our kids is the first place they learn about mercy and forgiveness, and so it is one of the most powerful and enduring ways they learn about mercy and forgiveness.<\/p>\n

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God knows this, and He knows how overwhelming this can be for us as parents. We think, \u201cMe \u2014 teach my children about mercy, with all the struggles I have to forgive and accept forgiveness?\u201d I love the practical and clear direction God gives us at this point.. He knows what we cannot do: we cannot be perfect. He knows also what we can do, and He guides us into four actions: first, don\u2019t exasperate your children; second, discipline your children; third, show compassion to your children; and fourth, choose forgiveness in your home.<\/p>\n

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These are the four actions we take toward our children day by day that will teach them mercy.<\/p>\n

The teaching of mercy begins with the decision not to exasperate your children. You see this choice clearly in the simple words of Ephesians 6:4:
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.<\/em><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t drive your kids up the wall! These words were written to dads, possibly because they were the disciplinarians of the day or maybe because too often we dads aren\u2019t relationally sensitive in thinking through the impact of our words, but they obviously fit both moms and dads.<\/p>\n

I cannot help but make a comment here about the truth of the Bible. These words from Paul are totally against the current of Bible times. In the first century, a Roman father had absolute control over his children. He could cast them out of the house, sell them as slaves, or even kill them with no legal penalty. A newborn would be placed at his father\u2019s feet to determine his future. If the father picked up the baby, he or she became a member of the family; if he walked away, the baby was sold. Into that kind of culture, God inspires these words about a father who cares enough about the fact that his child is a person created in God\u2019s image that he will strive not to exasperate his children.<\/p>\n

Hear again what our heavenly Father has to say to us as parents. The Living Bible paraphrases it this way:
And now a word to you parents. Don\u2019t keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord Himself approves, with suggestions and godly advice.<\/em> \u2014 Ephesians 6:4<\/p>\n

Colossians 3:21 echoes the same command:
Parents, don\u2019t come down too hard on your children or you\u2019ll crush their spirits.<\/em> \u2014 Colossians 3:21 MSG<\/p>\n

So here\u2019s the big question: What exasperates children? Well, it\u2019s many of the same things that exasperate you about your boss at work! It\u2019s easy to become frustrated with someone who has authority over you. Here\u2019s a quick list, gathered from talking to parents who were once children, of what can frustrate our kids.<\/p>\n

Unclear boundaries.<\/strong><\/em> Often we are just not specific enough in our directions to our children. \u201cDon\u2019t watch too much TV,\u201d we say. How much is too much? \u201cFive hours sounds good to me,\u201d our children decide. \u201cBe sure to be in early,\u201d we tell our teenager. \u201cThree in the morning is early,\u201d they say. \u201cDon\u2019t wear short dresses,\u201d we say. \u201cYou call this short?\u201d your daughter answers. Clear boundaries mean we say how much is too much, how late is too late, and how short is too short. Clear boundaries also mean that we are specific about what will happen if the child crosses those boundaries. Instead of saying, \u201cyou\u2019re really going to get it!\u201d we make the consequences clear.<\/p>\n

Instead of just reading through this list, I invite you to think about small changes you can make that will impact your kids in a big way. What can you do to make a boundary clearer \u2014 particularly one you may be struggling with at present?<\/p>\n

Inconsistent discipline.<\/strong><\/em> Think in terms of your work. One day you get a high five for being great with people on the phone; the next day you are called on the carpet for spending too much time with customers on the phone. It\u2019s enough to drive you crazy. Our kids feel the same way when we give completely different discipline in the same situations. Our parents did the same thing to us \u2014 it\u2019s amazing that any of us turn out with a measure of emotional health!<\/p>\n

There are many reasons we become inconsistent in our discipline. We get tired; we\u2019re distracted; we want our kids to like us. I\u2019d much rather take my kids out for ice cream than make them stay home for a weekend to catch up on schoolwork!<\/p>\n

Instead of striving for perfection on this one, what if we just faced up to our inconsistency as human beings? And then what if we planned to begin to discipline based on that confession? What happens when I honestly face up to the fact that I am an inconsistent, undisciplined, sinful human being who has been given responsibility by God to discipline another inconsistent, undisciplined, sinful human being? It first makes me smile at God\u2019s sense of humor. It also causes me to pause a moment before exacting discipline, because I realize I can too easily react emotionally. It creates a greater willingness to listen to other parents and even to my children. Discipline becomes more a daily relationship than just a proclamation. It may mean I more often will have a second thought and go back and give discipline where I may have let something slide by or be willing to back away from too harsh a discipline that I gave in the emotion of the moment.
Ask yourself: What will it take for me to be more consistent?<\/p>\n

Unbalanced criticism. <\/strong><\/em>Everything I\u2019ve ever read about motivating people says you have to balance every one word of criticism with at least ten words of praise. This advice applies to parenting as much as to any other relationship. I\u2019ve talked to some parents who feel that if we praise our kids too much, they\u2019ll listen only to the praise and will miss the tough words of discipline. The opposite is actually true. Without balancing words of praise, our words of correction get lost in our kids\u2019 negative feelings about themselves.
Ask yourself: What can I praise my child for this week?<\/p>\n

Unreasonable demands. <\/strong><\/em>We make an unreasonable demand anytime we ask a child to do something beyond their abilities. It obviously doesn\u2019t work to discipline a child to get an A in math when a B would be a miraculous achievement for them. But there is more to making unreasonable demands than this; they\u2019re can also be demands we make without giving a reason. When our kids ask for a reason that they should keep some rule, we often pull out our favorite phrase as parents. I\u2019ve used it myself. \u201cBecause I said so,\u201d we state with solemn strength. We want them to obey simply because it is the right thing to do.<\/p>\n

But think for a moment about how God our Father treats us. If anyone has a right to demand obedience simply \u201cbecause I said so,\u201d God does! Love one another \u2014 because I said so! Pray \u2014 because I said so! Read your Bible \u2014 because I said so! God could say this, but He usually doesn\u2019t exercise the right. Instead, He regularly tells us why He says so. He commands us to pray and expects our obedience; and He also tells us why prayer is so valuable to our connection with Him and the doing of His will. He tells us to give sacrificially, not just \u201cbecause I said so,\u201d but because the act of giving will increase our joy and is an investment in eternity.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s admit it: sometimes we say \u201cbecause I said so\u201d because we\u2019re tired and don\u2019t want to take the time to think through how to explain why we\u2019re asking something of our child. I\u2019m not talking about giving a reason so they can choose not to obey if they don\u2019t like our explanation, but about giving the biblical reasons behind what we\u2019re asking them to do. They may roll their eyes at those reasons in the moment, but we\u2019re trusting that these principles will eventually sink into their souls.<\/p>\n

Unspoken expectations. <\/strong><\/em>Of all the potential points of frustration in the way we discipline our children, this may be the greatest. We have some expectation of what we are disciplining our child toward, but we\u2019ve never spoken it \u2014 not to them and possibly not even to ourselves. We expect our two-year-old to speak in a quiet voice in the evenings, but we\u2019ve never expressed it. When we speak an expectation, it gives our child a chance to see the boundary more clearly. It may have another result \u2014 we may come to see that it is an unreasonable demand. We may have an unspoken expectation that our child will attend the college we attended, yet we know the grades they\u2019re getting will not get them accepted. So we discipline them toward better grades, without ever verbalizing why. This creates great tension and frustration.<\/p>\n

Ask yourself: What expectation do I need to speak clearly or to free my child from?<\/p>\n

Undeserved or unresolved anger. <\/strong><\/em>How we deal with anger is a huge issue in our families. Most of us are good at hiding our anger, but we cannot hide it from everyone, and those who see our anger are most often those in our homes. Our anger often comes out sideways. We\u2019re mad at our boss, but we yell at our kids. In an earlier chapter, we looked at the importance of honest confession after we\u2019ve expressed undeserved anger.<\/p>\n

It is also important not to allow even justifiable anger to go unresolved. You may have expressed to your child that the lie they told makes you legitimately angry because you\u2019ve been hurt by their lack of trust and you know how deeply the lie can hurt them. Even then, the anger must be resolved. If you go for days without speaking, bitterness is allowed to grow. God is clear about this because He knows our hearts so well:
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. \u2014 Ephesians 4:26<\/p>\n

Admit that you\u2019re angry, and deal with it immediately. Admitting isn\u2019t easy. We tend to use all kinds of other words to describe our emotion: we\u2019re frustrated, annoyed, troubled, antagonized, exasperated, vexed, indignant, provoked, hurt, irked, irritated, cross. The truth is, we have some anger that must be dealt with.<\/p>\n

Sleeping on anger is like sleeping on a bed of nails; you wake up feeling great pain. Let anger hang around, and it grows into bitterness. Angry words are a discordant tone in the home \u2014 a tone that needs to be resolved through another conversation before the end of the day as you assure your children that you love them and that the anger you felt was because of your desire to protect them, they are learning lessons about mercy that cannot be learned anywhere else.
Ask yourself: Is there an angry encounter that I haven\u2019t yet resolved?<\/p>\n

It takes great humility to admit our tendency to exasperate our children, and even greater humility to act in new ways. When you make these choices, you are teaching your children the character of mercy, passing on to them the mercy that Jesus has shown you, and helping to form a heart in them that can pass mercy on to others.<\/p>\n

Response from the Heart of a Mom<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

The thing I struggle with most as a parent in this chapter is unspoken expectations. Just as I want my husband to figure out the perfect Christmas gift for me without my having to spell it out, I want my kids to figure out exactly what I expect from them. The truth is, I don\u2019t want to verbalize these expectations because I may have to admit that they are selfish or unrealistic. It\u2019s much easier to hang on to unrealistic or selfish expectations if they are unspoken!<\/em><\/p>\n

Verse to remember:<\/strong> \u201cParents, don\u2019t come down too hard on your children or you\u2019ll crush their spirits\u201d (Colossians 3:21 MSG)<\/p>\n

Action to take:<\/strong> Look again at the six ways we can exasperate our children and ask yourself what changes you can make in just one of these areas<\/p>\n

Excerpted with permission from Love Powered Parenting<\/em><\/a> by Tom and Chaundel Holladay, copyright Tom Holladay.
Your Turn<\/strong><\/p>\n

Which of these ways we parents exasperate our children hit your target? Come and share what most spoke to you and what you think the Lord wants you to do about in on our blog<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Parent Blog<\/strong>
https:\/\/www.jellytelly.com\/blog\/categories\/kids-parenting<\/a><\/p>\n

5 Apps That Help You Connect With Your Kids<\/p>\n

https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=fNOvzAdFyuo&index=3&list=PLFWTEd-HFvLI_6Fz7nRegSRCjo5TM0KUi<\/a><\/p>\n

How To Teach Your Kids Responsibility<\/p>\n

https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=KpowL02Q5hw<\/a><\/p>\n

\"Kids<\/a><\/p>\n

https:\/\/www.thinkingkidsblog.org\/2016\/08\/08\/5-questions-to-ask-when-making-a-parenting-decisions\/<\/a><\/p>\n

https:\/\/www.thinkingkidsblog.org\/2016\/08\/10\/ten-ways-to-respect-your-teen\/<\/a><\/p>\n

www.christianparenting.org<\/a><\/p>\n

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Family Devotions<\/a><\/dt>\n<\/dl>\n

Imitation – someone is watching you.<\/a><\/p>\n

Raising Your Children With or Without God<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ways to show your keikii that you love them. What is your keiki\u02bbs Love Language? https:\/\/www.5lovelanguages.com\/quizzes\/child-quiz\/ A PARENT\u02bbS GUIDE TO TEXTING – https:\/\/ministrytoparents.com\/parents-guide-to-texting\/ 5 Apps to Help You Connect With Your Kids BOUNDARIES FOR TEENS – HOW TO SET UP … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":460,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-238","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"yoast_head":"\nParents - Kahu Ann Young<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/blogs.ksbe.edu\/anyoung\/parents-2\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Parents - Kahu Ann Young\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Ways to show your keikii that you love them. 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