Pebble Talk
By Karen Loo, K-2 Resource Teacher
Pebbles make things happen. Toss one into a pond and watch it cause a change in the surface; the water, once smooth now moves in ripples, pushing against outside forces. But once the ripples stop, the pebble is forgotten and the pond looks the same. Something happened, but nothing really changed. Or did it? Look beneath the surface, and there it is at the bottom of the pond. Behold – “pebble impact.” In its very small, pebbly way, it has changed the foundation of that particular world. In the same way, there are many people in the lives of our keiki who touch them in small but significant ways. What did they do? How does it have impact? What can we learn from it? All these questions and more ripple out from the many pebbles that settle in to shape the foundation of each child. Letʻs look at the pebble called Language.
Small-Kine Talk: Words in Small but Potent Doses
My granddaughter just started playing soccer at the ripe-old age of six. She is learning so much: new skills, rules, terms, and new limits and possibilities to her body. She is enjoying herself immensely! Much of that enjoyment is due to her coaches. They can be heard shouting encouragement, running alongside of her (steering her towards the right goal) and talking her through every step of every skill she is learning. Research says that these coaches are building young players who will understand the gift of effort and learning, rather than rely on natural talent. I say this is a gift because such a mindset will develop people who are life-long learners. This is the “growth” mindset, associated with perseverance, commitment, endurance, goal setting, and a desire for learning because of the belief that the ability to succeed is within. There are some who feel that natural talent is the only key to success. This is the “fixed” mindset, so called because the underlying belief is that a personʻs limits are set, or fixed – you either can or canʻt; you either have it or you donʻt. This mindset often leads to an attitude of defeat because, “I just donʻt have what it takes” or “No sense try – theyʻre all better than me,” or of blaming others, because admitting that you need to learn means admitting to not being as talented as you thought you were. Belief drives behavior and in our lives we know of people who choose to: give up or stand up; blame others or accept responsibility and move forward; discourage effort or give courage to sticking with the long haul. The good news is that we can influence belief – if we choose to be mindful of the language we use.
We often think we are instilling confidence by praising our children for their natural talents and gifts – intelligence, performance, beauty – thereʻs so much we can highlight! The downside of a lifetime of praise is it can cause children to doubt themselves as soon as there is a challenge or disappointment. If a child is repeatedly called “perfect” what does it mean when she doesn’t score 100%, or his pitches allow homeruns, or her fastest running still leaves her behind the rest? If we want to raise strong people, then it means that we believe in their ability to grow, and because we believe, we will shout encouragement, run alongside of them (steering them towards the right goal), and talk them through the steps of new skills. We can praise effort and resilience. We can name what we saw them do. We can give feedback on what theyʻve accomplished because theyʻve chosen to practice, persist, and try different strategies. We can notice their choices, and ask about the steps theyʻve chosen to take, and what theyʻve learned. And when they do fail, we can help them think through what they thought went wrong and what steps they are thinking of taking to improve their chances the next time. In short, we can teach them to see the opportunities and potential in all corners of life.
After her second game, my granddaughter told her dad, “I donʻt run as fast as the other girls.” My son nodded and simply said, “Thatʻs something you can get better at. Weʻll go to the park and practice. We can even practice in the yard.” It made my heart glad to hear him affirming that, yes; this certainly is a challenge for her, but itʻs also a reason for growth – if she persists in practicing. Iʻm excited because 1) the challenge came from her and 2) sheʻll have the support of her dad and coaches to make the experience fun. Their practice of using clear language that focuses on, and appreciates effort will help her build a strong belief in the value of work and of working with others, and to see challenges as reasons to grow. Pebble impact, right there on the soccer field.
Recommended read: Mindset; The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck.
Although the title might make you either yawn or walk away, itʻs a pretty interesting book, packed with many famous examples from the business, athletic, and celebrity world, or right in our neighborhoods. The research, based on how people deal with failure, has become the foundation for Dr. Dweckʻs life work to help everyone understand how belief impacts behavior – and how language can impact belief.